Dress Blues
by macsquish
Summary: *SPOILERS WITHIN* She had watched those eyes flicker away its lights away & stood beside the oak casket as the body laid within returned to the ground. This is that moment in the in between and all that was after.
1. Chapter 1

**Spoilers for the Season 3 finale. Don't say I didn't warn you...**

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><p>She had refused to leave the body behind.<p>

When the Medical Examiner arrived, she had to pry her best friend off of her long time mentor and she collapsed into the awaiting arms of her partner. He held her until her sobs quieted. He watched her carefully as she recounted the situation with Internal Affairs as flashbulbs illuminated the darkened hangar. Yellow police tape was beginning to surround them and the agent speaking to her nodded to him and he gathered her into his arms again.

"I have to go Rick." she said suddenly, "I have to tell Evelyn. I have to-"

"Esposito and Ryan's already doing that as we speak. You need to go home Kate."

She was too tired to argue. She nodded and the drive back to her apartment was spent in silence. As he put the car into park, he couldn't find any other words so he finally told her that he was sorry. The three words he could say in place of the three others that he was so desperately trying to convey. She was numb. Unsure of what else to say, he helped her out of the car and put her into bed gently. She curled up into a ball away from him.

"Kate?"

"Thanks Castle." She whispered.

"I'm going to-

"Can you stay with me?"

He pulled out his cellphone and sent a message to his daughter. Then he swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled off his shoes. Tucking himself behind her, he held her close to him, tightly as if he was never going to let go. He could feel the tears falling down his face and he pulled her closer to him. They both cried themselves to a dreamless sleep that night. When she woke, he was still there, snoring lightly with both arms wrapped around her waist. She turned to face him and traced a finger down his jawline. She eased out of his embrace and threw on her badge and gun. _There was still so much to be done_, she thought as she left the apartment with him still sleeping on her bed.

When she returned, she found him standing there frozen with a frantic look in his eyes.

"Where the _hell_ did you go?" He shouted.

"Coffee, Castle." She said and put down the breakfast. "I went to get coffee."

"I woke up and you weren't there and I thought- You were- I thought he had…" He stumbled through his words, yelling, just like he did when he tried to tell his mother.

"Castle, I'm right here." She went to him and put a hand on his cheek and another on his chest. She could feel his heart beating slowing from its hastened pace. There was a day's growth on his face that she hadn't seen since the beginning of the second year of their unorthodox partnership. The fear in his eyes and the panic in his voice began to subside. "I'm right here." She said again, softly.

She was putting him at risk and she would have none of that. Things were going to have to change. His daughter was waiting and she remembered what it was like when a parent didn't come home. She would have none of it.

"Thanks." She said simply and handed him the coffee cup she had placed on the kitchen counter. "For being there."

He gave her a strained smile and took it.

"Now go home to your daughter." She said nudging him to the door. "She'll be waiting."

"Kate I-

"They want to kill me Castle. Me. Not you. Go home, go back to your family. I won't have you caught between the crossfire."

"Kate, you're my family too." She stopped and looked into his eyes. His cobalt blues always told the truth. It was how she had taken him to the cleaners during their Thursday night poker games. They betrayed him and this time, they spoke volumes. When she couldn't hold his gaze any longer, she distracted herself with her cup of extra large coffee. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"Remember how well that worked out last time? I'll be fine Castle. I'm a trained cop with guns stashed around the apartment. I'll be good." She attempted levity but faltered. "I need to go into the precinct anyways to pick up a few things before the Captain finds-

She paused at her sentence and sighed. "Right. I need to go in and get a few things anyways. Spend some time with your family Rick. It's important."

He looked at her the same way he had at the beginning of their unconventional partnership, trying to figure her out and unravel the mystery that was Katherine Beckett. He nodded and took his leave. She stopped him before he turned the corner and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. "I mean it Castle. Thank you."

He gave her a small smile and she watched the elevators close behind him.

The next time she saw him was when she called the boys in for an impromptu meeting. Captain Montgomery had been their rock for the past decade and his family had grown to be theirs. They had too much respect for the man despite his past indiscretions to tarnish his shield. Castle had lingered after the boys had left, making sure she was still standing. She gave him a nod.

"I'll come by and pick you up for the funeral." He had said. Without waiting for a reply, he took his leave.

The battered detective collapsed on her couch, a yellow legal pad and pen laid on the coffee table, waiting for her. She had made a pilgrimage to the Montgomery home that day and sat with his wife. The widow embraced her and gripped her hand tightly as she spoke.

"Roy loved you like you were his own you know?" Evelyn's lips pulled into a sad smile as she recounted. "You, Javier and Kevin were like his kids at work. When Javier got into trouble last year, it was like he was getting a call from the principal's office about one of the kids. As much as I'd love to think that he would retire from the force, he would have found some way to get back to the precinct for you three and the rest of the squad."

Beckett couldn't find the words to express her gratitude towards her and what her family had to endure. Evelyn knew she understood the loss of a loved one. She had seen the pain in her eyes.

"Being a cop's wife, I always knew this was a possibility. But nothing prepares you for this day to come. Nothing." She said staring at her hands. She paused to collect her thoughts and quietly continued. "I'd like you to give Roy's eulogy. He trusted you and loved you like a daughter. You were with him when he died. You understand what it's like…"

Her legal pad remained empty, void of the words that she wanted to say. She looked to her cellphone next to her. She could always just ask for help, but she felt that it wouldn't do her Captain justice. Pulling a whiskey bottle from the kitchen cabinet, she poured herself a glass and picked up the pen. But 14 drafts later, she was still nowhere. Her glass and pen had been abandoned in favour of the bottle. Morning light was streaming into her living room signalled the beginning of a new day. The heavens were mocking her. She was nowhere ready for it to begin.

She stared into her closet, trying to clear her head. She shoved all her clothes aside to get to the garment bag buried within. It had been a while but it was still there; just hanging there. Unizipping the bag, a breath caught in her throat as she tried to choke away the tears.

Dress blues.

It had been a while since she donned on that uniform. Her fingers traced the sharp lines on the suit and lingered on the shield she carried on her left breast pocket. She looked over the ribbons that meant almost nothing to her to her silver nameplate.

Det. Katherine Beckett.

She scoffed as she tossed back another. Sometimes when she looked at the mirror, she didn't know who was staring back anymore. It had taken all of her to push aside the brutal and senseless murder of her mother a decade ago but the obsession and the drive had found new life. She had gone down the rabbit hole once more but this time, it seemed harder to find her way out. She took another drink and wiped her lips with the back of her hand.

Then with great difficulty, she began to write.

Castle would be there soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**So apparently, this Season Finale just wouldn't let go. I hear it's been happening to everyone here lately. So I apologize.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

Being in love hurts.

That much he knew. He felt like he was 12 years old again being rejected by Suzy Lieberman at recess after asking her to go steady. That was the price of giving his heart away to someone that didn't know it was lying on their doorstep. Waiting.

25 years later he was still waiting. This time, he was pacing in a hospital waiting room for a white lab coat to float by to give him news; to pace until the woman he loved was back in his arms again.

He had refused to leave her.

She was just lying there, helpless. He was holding her and she seemed so small. The bullet just flew by without warning and she collapsed. He held her until the paramedics pushed him away. He refused to leave her side even as they lifted her into the ambulance. She wouldn't leave him. Why would he?

He went with the medics and her father to the hospital, his eyes never leaving her face; hoping to see those olive green eyes staring back into his again. _Come on Kate..._ he repeated over and over in his head. _Come on Kate..._ _Beckett don't you dare leave me. I can't do it without you._

"Dad?" someone tugged on his jacket and he turned. "You've got some stuff on your shirt."

"Sorry?" He was in a daze. "Oh right." He tried to wipe it off but when he looked at his hand, it was covered in blood. Her blood. He swallowed the lump in his throat and repeated his mantra again. "Sweetheart, why don't you go home? It's been a long day."

"I want to stay with you."

He gave her a small smile and nodded. He was going through hell right now, he couldn't even comprehend how he would feel if he was James Beckett- the man sitting across from his daughter.

"How old is she?" he said softly to him when he finally decided to take his seat.

"Seventeen turning forty." He felt his heart tug as he looked at her, leaning against her grandmother. "Or are you talking about my mother?"

"I remember when Katie turned seventeen." The older Beckett reminisced, "she had the whole world in front of her. Her mother was sure that she would do whatever her mind set off to do. She was going to conquer the universe."

He was happy to hear of a different Beckett instead of the one lying on an operating table somewhere inside the hospital. "Alexis isn't even sure what she wants yet but she knows she's going to Stanford."

"Stanford huh?"

"Yeah. Her boyfriend Ashley just got accepted. She wants an early admittance."

"She reminds me of Kate." He said quietly, giving him a smile. "So determined. Did she ever tell you that she almost followed a boy to college too?"

"No." His eyes widened_ "_That's so not Beckett."

"She claims the college she wanted to attend was the same one he was going to. It didn't mean she was following him in."

"You probably weren't so happy about that."

"I was content in having my daughter stay home until the age of 60." He laughed, shaking his head. "She was my little girl."

"See I floated that idea past Alexis but apparently, not so cool with her either."

"I didn't think it would be a popular opinion, no." He looked at the clock. It was close to 6PM. They had been in surgery for over 7 hours. Jim took a look at his companion. He could sense his fear and his anxiety. He also knew how much he loved his daughter and how much he would sacrifice for her. Even a blind man could see that. "She'll make it Rick, she has to. She has unfinished business to attend to and Katie never-

"keep loose ends untied." he finished for him.

"Exactly."

"Mr. Beckett." A familiar voice drifted towards them. Dr. Frank Caffrey was a younger surgeon than the others that had been running around in the hospital. His eyes betrayed a more tired man than he let on. His white Reeboks squeaked on the vinyl tiles as he walked to his patient's father. Beckett shot up in reaction.

"Dr. Caffrey, how-

"We stopped the bleeds and repaired the damage. She's resting in the ICU. Your daughter's lucky Mr. Beckett, very lucky." Caffrey glanced over to Castle who had stood beside him. "She's going to be in pain for a while so we set up a drip for her. We want to make sure we got to all the problems internally so she'll have to stay here for a couple of weeks until we're sure that she's going to be fine."

"You sure you want to keep her Doc?" Castle said, breathing a sigh of relief. "She's a handful. She's going to fight you tooth and nail over having to stay here."

"I'll take whatever she can dish out Mr. Castle."

"Can we go see her?"

"One at a time." he said firmly. "Only one at a time. I won't have this hospital turn into a circus act. No matter how you all feel about Detective Beckett."

The two men nodded and Jim followed the doctor through the double doors. Castle collapsed into the thinly cushioned waiting room chairs and rubbed his face with his hands. It had been a hell of a day. All he could think of was why he didn't tell her sooner. Why it had to come to this in order for him to speak the words that had flowed freely within him. His daughter collapsed on his shoulder and wrapped him in her arms.

"She's going to be fine sweetheart." He said quietly. "She's going to be fine."

"I heard." She replied with a smile- the one that made him think of her in her pink tutu telling him she was going to go find an elephant to dance with. "See? I told you she'd make it."

"I keep forgetting you got the Seer gene in you."

"And don't you forget it." She grinned wider now that the crisis seemed to have alleviated for the time being. "You should go see her."

"Her dad's in there right now." he said nervously. "And you heard the doc, one at a time."

"Never stopped you before." she said as she stood. "I'm going to go get myself a chocolate bar from the vending machines. Gram, you want to come?"

"I could use a stretch." Her grandmother followed.

Looking around, he casually went through the double doors and down the white hallway. Everything was white. He had done his fair share of sneaking around. The key, he had found, was to look like he belonged. It wasn't difficult when one has had practice. He located the doors marked ICU and gingerly went inside. Then he saw her.

Dimly lit with a wide window, Jim touched his daughter's face as if it was made of porcelain. He couldn't imagine what he was going through. When Alexis had to get her tonsils taken out, he was already sick with worry, but having to live with the possibility his daughter not coming home one day because some lunatic at work made him shudder. He felt turned around and leaned with his back against the wall. He felt like he was intruding on an moment.

She looked fragile.

She never looked fragile. This was his Kate. His Beckett. The never falter, never fear, gumption galore, Katherine Beckett. She was just lying there with a tube stuck down her throat helping her breathe. Her face looked less ashen than before when she laid there on the green freshly mown grass. The pink was slowly returning to her cheeks. He felt his chest tighten again to think of how close it was- how close it was to him losing her. He was felt like he was going to vomit again.

"Rick?" Jim Beckett slid the door shut behind him. "I'm going to go get some things for her. I'm meeting Lanie at the loft. Do you mind staying?"

"You never have to ask." The older man nodded to him, thanking him. He had seen the carefree girl he raised turn into a hardened woman, building walls between herself and everyone around her. He knew he didn't help much when he fell to the temptation of the drink. He made a note to himself to call his sponsor and not put Kate through that horrific mess again. He was going to leave her this time in good company. This time was different. Castle was going to be there. He felt a sense of relief having the man be there for her. Kate never allowed that for herself, she was always the caregiver, never wanting anything for herself. He was happy to see that this partnership of theirs was something more than just a partnership. Even though he had only known the man for a few days, he felt that he could trust him because Kate had trusted him.

The doors slid open again and Castle gently entered the room. The machines hissed as air flowed through them. The monitors near her beeped, reminding him that she was still in the land of the living. Heart in throat, he pulled up a nearby chair and held her hand. They were soft and smooth, but cold to the touch. As he tried to warm them with his own hands, he noticed that there was a faded scar there that he hadn't seen before. After three years, she was still an enigma to him. "_Oh so many layers to the Beckett onion, how ever will you peel them all..."_ she had once said to him. _Layers indeed._ He thought.

"Hey Beckett." he croaked out finally, finding his own voice. "I know you can hear me because well, you have this uncanny ability to hear me when I'm saying things that get me into trouble."

_Kssshhh, _the machine said in response.

"So hear this. I don't regret saying that to you. I do love you and you need to get better because seriously, I'm not going to do well on hospital food. I've tried and it's disgusting. Only food that's worse is my mother's and don't tell her that." He paused, trying to find the right words.

_Kshhhhh. _

"So listen, Esposito and Ryan strong-armed themselves onto the investigation but you know them, they'll be careful. Of course they're not as smart as you or I but hey, we can use all the help we can get right?" _Kssshhh_ "Lanie left right before the Doc came and told us the news. She went to pack some of your things. Your Dad's going to meet her there, help her and tell her the good news. Don't worry, uniforms are with them. Both of them. Esposito's getting real protective of her these days. Even before all of this... stuff... happened.

Alexis and my mother are still here. They've gone to find some edible food for us. Well, I guess you'll be eating out of that tube for a while eh? Well I think that'll still taste better than what they've got for us here. I mean, have you ever heard of teal jello? I mean, really, what is that?" He chuckled to himself and felt a squeeze on his hand. "Kate? You see? You're listening. It's okay if you don't respond. I'm use to it already. If you need me to shut up, you're going to have to wake up and make me, because Detective Beckett. I'm not going anywhere."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**4 months later**

"Will you please answer the phone." She said, never looking up from the giant textbook. It was September and midterms were slowly encroaching on her life already. Alexis Castle almost looked wearied over the amount of homework piling up.

"No. It's just Paula." He replied flippantly. His agent had been calling him incessantly to get him to get a jump start on his promotional tour. With the Heat Wave movie wrapping up, she had thought this was a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. What she didn't count on was the attachment he had towards a certain injured detective. "Want to watch Road Rules again?"

"Dad, it's Saturday afternoon. Shouldn't you be doing something else other than watching Road Rules?"

"I'm having a momentary lapse in inspiration."

"As in you have Writer's Block." Her father made a face and turned his attention back on the television. He had been lacking of late of fresh ideas. It could be because the new Captain had thrown him out of the precinct and off cases multiple times. It didn't help matters when the new Captain was less concerned about politics and more concerned with how the precinct was run. Admirable, but it was problematic for him. He had been trying to get back into the 12th since Captain Montgomery's funeral and every step he took seemed to be watched like a hawk. Now that Beckett was back on duty, he thought that might change a little. The new Captain, however, was a little less eager to please the Commissioner and the Mayor in their requests.

"Castle, we'll sort it all out." His partner had said to him. "You're my partner and I'm not looking for another. Besides, I'm just doing paperwork and there's reasons why you don't write scenes involving paperwork."

Her steps were no longer laboured but he could still see she was in discomfort at times. She would weakly smile and tell him that everything was alright, she just had the wind knocked out of her. Where his mind should have been on the written word, his was on Beckett and what he was going to do.

"_I wasn't ready to tell you yet." her voice echoed in his head._

_Her boyfriend had finally decided to make an appearance a few days after she got out of surgery. He had to be cleared and vetted. They didn't want to take any chances. Their encounter was nothing more than cordial, he had seen. He didn't want to pry or press but something within him stirred with hope. He dared to hope that that was the end of that relationship as it should have been those many months ago. After everything, Kate deserved to be happy. Even if it wasn't with him. _

_He didn't inquire into her relationship status. He didn't press whether or not she had heard him whisper frantically his declaration of love. He didn't want to open that can of worms just yet. They were content being with one another and he was just happy that she was safe once again. Castle knew that these things would come in its own time and he was not in a hurry._

"_I wasn't ready to tell you yet." She said back at the hospital, still mildly drugged up. He lifted his eyes from his laptop screen to find her talking to the ceiling. "I didn't know what... how..."_

"_I didn't ask."_

"_I don't want to stroke your already enormous ego but Castle, it must be your jedi mind tricks." He stifled a grin and refocused his attentions to his words on the screen. He was having a harder time concentrating now. "We had an argument about why I never told him about my mom, why I couldn't trust him enough to let him help me."_

_He remained silent in his chair, peering over the laptop at her. He sensed something else coming. Something much bigger._

"_He asked me whether or not you knew." The fallen detective paused, trying to search her recollections. "I told him that of course you knew, you were my partner. The funny thing is that Josh said the exact same thing to me, the night that you came and told me to back off. He said he didn't know where we stood anymore. If I was in a relationship with him, I should be able to trust him with these things. He said he was fine with my dark and twisted past, that everyone came with baggage and that I was no exception."_

_She sighed and continued: "And I kept pushing him away after that. I didn't want him to get involved in this mess. I didn't want him to see me like this. So we broke up. The problem was that he would understand and be the perfect supportive boyfriend. If I was any other girl..." The medication was allowing her to be uncensored and Castle was afraid that if he had said anything, she would clam up again. So he stayed quiet. _

"_Castle, what's wrong with me?"_

"_Other than the fact that you have a hole in your side?" That incited a signature smirk from her that warmed his heart. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you."_

"_Then why can't I be with someone without having one foot out the door?"_

_Because they aren't the one, he thought. "Because of your super cool Jedi powers."_

"_If this pillow was less comfortable, it would be in your face at the moment."_

"_Or maybe they aren't as super cool as mine then." He had a spoonful of teal Jell-O flung in his face. "Kate Beckett, ladies and gentlemen, good with all weapons from spoons to guns."_

"_Thanks Castle."_

"_Anytime." He said, licking a piece off of his thumb. "Just to have you know, you're cleaning this up. If you can't move your arms properly, I have a few suggestions on how this could be done."_

"_I'm not licking it off of you."_

_Castle flashed her a mischievous grin and ducked, fearing for more Jell-O in his face._

A towel hit him in the back of the head, jolting him back from where his mind had wandered.

"What?" He lifted an eyebrow towards Alexis. "You picked up the phone?"

"It's not Paula."

"Gina"

"Nope." She held out the phone closer to him.

"Ray from Nate's Pizza."

"Ray calls here?"

"Right."

"Dad!"

"Fine." He sighed and put the receiver to his ear. "Rick's Mortuary Service, you kill em, we stuff em."

"Castle?" the melodic voice rang into his ear and a smile spread across his face. There were only a two people who could do that to him. One was sitting in the kitchen, the other was on the other line. "I thought you were shadowing me because you wanted to write about murder not be accessory to one."

"Sorry. Paula's just driving me insane." He rolled his eyes. "How's it going at the precinct?"

"Good. Paperwork seems to pile right up when you're away from your desk for a few months." He could hear sirens in the background and horns blaring.

"Where are you?"

"I needed some fresh air so I went to the park for lunch."

"By yourself?"

"I was doing this by myself way before you crashed my party."

"I wouldn't say crashed." he smiled. "Think gently landed."

"Castle, you stole my case photos and you forced yourself into the precinct as my shadow. You decided to name your character after a stripper and oh right, she's naked on all the covers. I'm going to have to say crashed."

"Fine." Castle looked at his charge working away on the kitchen counter. "How long do you have?"

"I don't know... 40 minutes?"

"I'll come find you." He was already picking up his jacket. He muted his phone but he heard all of her objections. "Alexis, I'm heading out to the park. I'll be back in a bit."

"Say hi to Detective Beckett for me." She grinned as he placed a kiss on her forehead. "I love you."

"Ditto kiddo." He said as the door shut and locked behind him.

"Castle, are you listening to me?" He heard her yell through the phone.

"Loud and clear. 10-4."

"You're coming anyways aren't you?"

"Getting into a cab as we speak." Castle pulled open the yellow door and told the driver to head to Central Park. He nodded and started the meter.

"Great." Beckett sighed and he could hear her playing with her sandwich wrapper. "I'm under the Alice in the Wonderland statue."

"How appropriate."

"I'll see you when you get here, Tweedle Dum."

"Bye Alice."


End file.
